By John Anderson, Digital Media USA
March 26, 2025
The FBI confirmed Monday that it has assembled a high-powered task force to investigate the sudden uptick in vandalism and arson attacks against Tesla. Because, you know, when the money talks, the FBI listens.
“Director [Kash] Patel has been unequivocally clear: The FBI will be relentless in its mission to protect the American people—at least the ones with deep pockets,” the agency stated, confirming the formation of the Tesla Task Force.
Over the past month, Tesla has reported 48 separate incidents of vandalism and arson, with at least seven currently under federal investigation. The message from the top is clear: If you throw a brick through a Tesla showroom window, the feds will descend on you like a pack of over-caffeinated bloodhounds. But if you’re just some average Joe who got their catalytic converter stolen? Well, good luck filing that police report online.
Assistant Director of Public Affairs Ben Williamson took to social media platform X (which, in a shocking twist, is also owned by Musk) to confirm the crackdown: “Can confirm: The FBI has launched a Task Force in conjunction with ATF to coordinate investigative activity and crack down on violent Tesla attacks. Because nothing says ‘law and order’ like protecting the sanctity of a billionaire’s parking spots.”
Director Patel was even more direct: “This is domestic terrorism,” he posted. “Those responsible will be pursued, caught, and brought to justice.” A bold claim, considering last month the FBI still had 14,000 backlog cases involving actual crime, but hey, priorities.
The wave of attacks comes amid widespread protests against Tesla showrooms and charging stations, largely fueled by public outrage over Musk’s leadership of the newly created Department of Government Efficiency (or D.O.G.E, which some suspect was named after his favorite meme cryptocurrency). Since taking the job, Musk has been busy slashing federal jobs, gutting government programs, and allegedly accessing more personal data than a Vegas casino rewards program. Naturally, this has made him a few enemies.
But let’s be real—the FBI isn’t exactly the blindfolded Lady Justice we all imagined. The Bureau has spent decades perfecting the fine art of taking orders from whoever signs the biggest check. Under Biden, that meant cracking down on “misinformation” (translation: anything they didn’t like) and making sure social media companies played nice with the government. Now that Trump’s back, it’s all about “domestic terrorism” and making sure billionaires don’t have to see graffiti on their way to buy a $120,000 electric pickup. Different bosses, same FBI, keeping everyone nice and divided so no one notices the real game being played.
For now, the message from the FBI is crystal clear: If you mess with Tesla, you mess with the feds. Meanwhile, if your neighbor’s car got torched last night? Yeah, they’ll “look into it.” Eventually. Maybe.
