By Hans Wilder, In the sky over North Carolina
You know what America needs? More America! That’s right, folks—it’s time we open the books and start taking applications from worthy nations that want to upgrade to full-blown U.S. statehood. If you’re tired of running your country like a busted 1982 Ford Escort and want to trade up to a tricked-out, turbocharged, freedom-infused American lifestyle, step right up! Uncle Sam’s taking applications, and not just any old banana republic makes the cut—only the best of the best.
Who’s Worthy of an Invite?
Let’s be honest, the world is full of countries that are already unofficially part of America. They use our dollars, watch our movies, eat our food, and—let’s face it—most of them secretly wish they had a seat at the real grown-ups’ table. It’s time to make it official. So, which nations deserve to join the greatest show on Earth?
1. Taiwan – The Ultimate Underdog
Taiwan has been standing up to China like a scrappy kid in a bar fight who refuses to back down, and you know what? That’s the American spirit right there. They’ve got the manufacturing, the economy, and the guts. Plus, they already make half the world’s microchips, and we could use more of those stateside. Let’s slap some stars and stripes on that island, call it the Great State of Taiwan, and watch Beijing lose its mind.
2. Greenland – Cold, Hard Real Estate
Trump was onto something when he wanted to buy Greenland, and they laughed at him. Who’s laughing now? Imagine all that untapped potential—natural resources, strategic military positioning, and, let’s be honest, the place could use a little more excitement. They speak Danish? Not for long! A couple of Texas roadhouses, a Walmart, and a 4th of July parade, and they’ll be pledging allegiance faster than you can say “Bald Eagle.”
3. Argentina – Steak, Tango, and Capitalism
Argentina has been dancing around economic success for decades but keeps tripping over socialist potholes. You know what would fix that? A full dose of capitalism, the Second Amendment, and a proper 50-state education. Argentina already has a love for beef and a strong conservative streak—sounds like a perfect fit for American statehood. Plus, their economy could use some “Trump-o-nomics.” Who says no?
The Application Process
This isn’t some European Union soft-entry nonsense. You wanna be part of America? You gotta prove it.
- Step 1: Ditch socialism. If your country has a government that hands out free money like Oprah hands out cars, you’re already on the wrong path. Get your fiscal house in order, or we’ll send in the accountants (and trust me, they’re scarier than the Marines).
- Step 2: English only. None of this “official languages” nonsense—speak American, or take a number and wait your turn.
- Step 3: Adopt the U.S. Constitution. That means guns, free speech, and the right to sue anyone for anything.
Why Stop There?
Why should we wait for people to sneak across the border when we can just expand the border itself? Think of the possibilities! More states mean more senators, more electoral votes, and more fireworks on the 4th of July. Why stop at 50 states when we could hit 75? Hell, let’s shoot for 100!
America isn’t just a country—it’s an idea, a lifestyle, a full-throttle, high-octane, bacon-wrapped festival of freedom. And if your country wants in, Uncle Sam’s office is open. Applications are now being accepted.
Let’s Make America Even Greater.
Hans Wilder, signing off—probably from the future state of Greenland.
