By Hans Wilder, Watertown NY
So, apparently, Trump’s victory has triggered a full-blown medical emergency. People are dropping like flies—not from heart attacks or strokes, but from feelings. That’s right, folks—Dr. Glenn Burnett, a physician from Wyoming, says his Democrat patients are suffering from extreme cases of “Oh no, my candidate lost” syndrome.
We’re talking depression, anxiety, insomnia, chest pain—basically, a CVS receipt of emotional distress. And why? Because Kamala Harris didn’t get the job. You’d think their whole family just got wiped out in a freak bowling accident.
Dr. Burnett’s solution? “Turn off your TV and computer.” Oh, brilliant, Doc! You mean disconnect from the 24-hour doom machine that constantly tells people the world is ending? What a radical concept! Next, he’ll suggest drinking water and going outside—real cutting-edge medicine.
And let’s not forget journalist Mark Halprin, who predicted that the 2024 election loser would trigger “the greatest mental health crisis in the history of the country.” Greatest? Really? You’re telling me losing an election is worse than war? Worse than the Great Depression? Worse than discovering your dad left your mom for the yoga instructor?
Halprin warns of broken marriages, alcoholism, workplace trauma—like Election Day was D-Day and people are coming home with “PTDS” aka “PDST” from seeing too many red hats.
Dr. Burnett, to his credit, is hesitant to throw pills at the problem. “This is a grief issue,” he says. And you know what? He’s right. But maybe, just maybe, if your emotional well-being depends entirely on who’s sitting in the Oval Office… you were already screwed to begin with.
