Why Canada Should Become the 51st State: An Unapologetically Humorous Case for Continental Unity
By Hans Wilder Watertown NY
Picture this: a United States so vast, so unstoppable, that it stretches from the Everglades to the Arctic tundra. A country where hockey becomes a mandatory religion and Tim Hortons takes over Starbucks locations faster than you can say “double-double.” Folks, it’s time to face the maple syrup-covered truth: Canada becoming the 51st state is not just an idea—it’s destiny.
Even U.S. President-elect Donald Trump thinks so. On Truth Social, he recently declared that “many Canadians want to join the U.S., and honestly, I can’t blame them. Lower taxes, stronger military, better weather. Great idea!” While he’s been known to post some head-scratchers, this time, the man’s onto something.
Historical Context: From York to Toronto
Let’s begin by acknowledging Canada’s rich history, specifically how York changed its name to Toronto. Why? Because even Canadians didn’t want to live in a place called York. The name switch was a marketing ploy, folks, and it worked. “Toronto” sounds exotic, cosmopolitan—dare I say, American? By joining the U.S., Toronto can finally embrace its destiny as “North York City,” completing its centuries-long transformation into a fully realized metropolitan area that’s just an Amtrak ride away from Buffalo.
And don’t get me started on Vancouver—practically a suburb of Seattle already—or Montreal, which could finally solve its “Should we speak French or English?” crisis by adopting the universal language of the U.S.: shouting.
Benefits of Becoming the 51st State
Here are just a few of the glorious perks Canadians would enjoy:
- Taxes, Eh? Canadians pay exorbitant taxes to fund their “free” healthcare and infrastructure. By joining the U.S., they’ll swap those for low taxes and a healthcare system where you earn your MRI with a good ol’-fashioned deductible. The American way!
- Military Might Canada’s military is about as intimidating as a Mountie on a unicycle. Imagine trading that in for the world’s most powerful armed forces. Maple-scented nukes, anyone?
- Better Branding Let’s face it, “Canada” sounds like a polite sneeze. By joining the U.S., they get to be part of “The United States of America,” which oozes confidence. “America” sells—Canada whispers.
- Walmart Supercenters Everywhere Who needs boutique local shops when you can buy everything from snow tires to bacon-wrapped Oreos under one fluorescent-lit roof?
- Weather Relief (Sort Of) Canadians, we know you’re tired of winter. By becoming Americans, you gain access to Florida, Arizona, and California. Sure, you’ll have to deal with alligators and earthquakes, but hey, trade-offs!
The Cultural Exchange
In exchange for universal healthcare tips and apologizing profusely, Canadians get:
- Freedom Units: No more Celsius or kilometers. It’s Fahrenheit and miles, baby.
- Thanksgiving in November: That October thing is cute, but let’s align schedules here.
- Freedom Fries: Poutine gets an upgrade—just imagine it with bacon bits and a patriotic sprinkle of ranch dressing.
Americans, meanwhile, inherit hockey mania, Anne of Green Gables, and free-flowing maple syrup. It’s a win-win.
Trump’s Vision
Donald Trump, ever the visionary, has already started referring to Justin Trudeau as “Governor.” With Chrystia Freeland out and the Liberals in chaos, now’s the perfect time for Canada to cut its losses and embrace the red, white, and blue. Trudeau can still stick around—perhaps as the first “Minister of Eh Affairs.”
Trump also promises to “fix” border security. No more illegal drugs or migration problems—Canada would just be part of the same big family. A family with stricter curfews and more red hats, but a family nonetheless.
Final Thoughts: Moving to Toronto
If this happens, I’m packing my bags and heading to Toronto. Why? Because as an Americanized city, Toronto will finally reach its full potential. Imagine Broadway-quality shows at the CN Tower, NFL Sundays in Maple Leaf Gardens, and Chipotle outlets on every corner.
Toronto will be America’s northern crown jewel, and I’ll be there to witness it. Maybe even run for mayor—I’ll campaign on building a hockey rink in every Tim Hortons.
In conclusion, Canada’s future isn’t up north; it’s due south. Let’s make history. Let’s make Canada the 51st state. After all, why settle for a maple leaf when you can have stars and stripes too?
